The Dreaded Long Distance Relationship
Few things can put a bigger strain on a relationship than not being able to see each other.
Two people can be together, but they can't physically be together. Dating, physical affection, and intimacy all go out the door because distance gets in the way.
Yes, long-distance relationships can really take a toll on couples. It takes such a toll that a lot of couples don't last. The distance is too much and they can't withstand it.
That said, it doesn't mean that going long distance is the death knell for a relationship. While the cons of a long distance relationship may outnumber the pros, it doesn't mean that a couple can't survive one. It just takes a special kind of couple to be able to do so.
What's the Failure Rate for a Long Distance Relationship?
Before anything, it should be noted that most long-distance relationships do not fail. One study found that only about 40 percent of them fail, which means that the majority succeed or at least don't fail when it's long distance.
Why Couples Go Long Distance
First, why do couples even go long distances? Long distance relationships suck, so what could cause a couple to get into one? Why would two people who want to be together make the choice to not be together?
1. Work
A prominent reason as to why couples have to go long distance is work. Person A's job transfers them to a new office and Person B can't just up and leave their job so they have to put in for a transfer to where their partner is.
Sometimes, Person B isn't going to transfer because Person A's transfer is temporary. Maybe their job only needs them to be in a new place for a few months and the relationship being long distance is only for a short time.
In either case, one person's job makes it so that a couple has to go long distance.
2. School
Another set of circumstances which forces long-distance relationships to happen is school. This happens a lot with teenagers. A couple dates in high school, but then they get accepted in colleges in different parts of the country or even the world. So they go long-distance and continue their relationship.
But it's not just teenagers that are affected. Sometimes, a couple graduates and one of them goes to grad school and the other gets into a different grad school or they're starting a job in a different city. Or they're well into adulthood and one decides to go back to school and the institution that accepts them is halfway across the country.
3. International Dating
Another reason that people are long-distance is international dating. Person A goes to a new country for whatever reason. There, he meets Person B. They fall for each other. But then Person A has to leave and then go back to their own country, but neither of them is willing to let go of the relationship so they decide to be long-distance.
That's a few scenarios wherein a couple would choose to be long-distance. But what is considered a long-distance relationship? How far do two people have to be from each other before it's considered long-distance? Is there a number, a geographic checkpoint wherein a relationship becomes a long-distance one?
What Makes a Relationship Long Distance
Well, the average LDR is around 125 miles or about 200 kilometers. For a lot of people, that's more than a two-hour drive. But some people would call a two-hour drive a middle-distance relationship as opposed to a long-distance one.
The main difference is that in a middle-distance relationship, a couple can regularly spend a lot of time together within the week, whereas that's not possible for a long-distance one. They can't go out on dates anytime they want, but they usually have a couple of days in the week to be together.
What to Know Before Getting into One
There are many questions to ask before getting into a long distance relationship. These questions will pertain to the status of the relationship, and what the boundaries are. For example, some questions to ask include:
What are our boundaries?
Some couples expect total monogamy in a long-distance relationship. Other couples, however, are more open to letting their partners get any physical needs or desires met. This is not a question that two people can play by ear. This one needs solid answers and guidelines so no one does something they regret and hurts their partner.
Now, it does not have to be answered immediately. A couple can modify their boundaries later when the reality of distance hits them.
Where does this end?
Eventually, a couple in an LDR will live together. At least, that's the ideal. But where are they going to live? Are they going to live in one person's city or country? Are they going to split their time between the two places? Or are they going to a third place that neither of them currently live in?
How much can we commit to each other each week?
Texting, calling, video chats, exchanging emails. These are all methods that long-distance couples use in order to communicate. Now, a couple has to decide how much time they're going to commit to each other each week.
Habits may also have to change in order to accommodate the new partner. Instead of going out with friends, someone may have to stay in so they can call their partner because, depending on time zones, one person's happy hour might be the only window in which their partner is also awake.
What Kills an LDR
A lot of couples in an LDR don't make it through, so what kills long distance relationships? Why don't long distance relationships work? What tears a couple apart?
1. Distance
The most obvious reason for the failure of an LDR is the distance. Some couples just aren't built for not seeing their partner regularly. They can talk every day, chat through some video streaming service, and text constantly, but not being physically together is simply more than they can endure.
2. Communication
Another reason that a relationship doesn't survive is a lack of communication. Sometimes, life gets in the way and a daily phone call or video chat turns into a text message. The responses, which used to be immediate, start coming a few hours later. The text messages that came multiple times an hour slow down, maybe once or twice a day before fading away entirely.
Life gets in the way of a relationship, especially when distance is already getting in the way.
Sometimes, this breakdown in communication is just a phase. If it starts to last too long without one person reaching out, that might be when to call it quits in a long distance relationship.
3. Trust
A lack of trust is also a good indicator that a long-distance relationship won't last. Maybe there's a good reason that there's no trust in the relationship. Maybe someone's just being paranoid. In any case, not being able to trust someone will kill any relationship, romantic or otherwise.
4. Feelings Fading
Something else that kills a romantic relationship when it's gone is a romantic spark. Two people can communicate regularly and trust each other with their lives, but the distance between them can cause them to just lose feelings.
Sometimes, not being able to see each other in person can cause feelings to fade. Absence does not always make the heart grow fonder. Not being able to go out and reconnect romantically can make a spark peter out.
5. Emotional Rollercoaster
Even if the spark doesn't die, the ups and downs - the short periods of intensity and the long periods of stillness - can be emotionally taxing.
There's also a couple growing apart. Even if the spark survives, two people can build two different lives when they're not together and they won't have space for their partner in their lives.
Even if they don't grow apart, growing together is hard when a couple isn't in the same place.
6. Ambiguous Ending
Then there's the thing that kills all long-distance relationships: ambiguity. The 'long-distance' part of an LDR is supposed to be temporary. There's supposed to be a point wherein the couple can be together for real. It's a goal that they both have to work towards.
But what if the goal just isn't there? What if there's no foreseeable end to being long-distance? When can they be together? Are they going to be together? The lack of concrete answers can be disheartening and it can make the whole thing feel pointless, like all that hardship that's being gone through is all for naught.
How to Keep Your LDR Alive
There are a lot of reasons that an LDR fails. Every issue that affects a relationship can be magnified when long distances are involved. But how do you preserve one? How do you make it so that you never need to know how to end a long-distance relationship with someone you love?
There are plenty of ways to keep an LDR alive. A relationship surviving and even thriving - at least until the distance is crossed - is possible. It's not complicated, but just because something is simple doesn't mean it's easy.
a. Communicate Regularly
The first thing that can keep an LDR alive is communication. It has to be regular and it has to be constant. Sounds simple enough, right? It is, but it's also very difficult. It's not hard for schedules to slip. You can skip a phone call one day and before you know it, a week's gone by and you haven't talked to your partner.
Keeping long-distance relationships alive requires at least one person making a conscious effort to regularly talk to their partner. And don't just talk about your day, although you should do that since every relationship needs mundanity. You should also make sure to check in with each other's feelings and offer reassurance or support when needed.
b. See Each Other as Much as Possible
Seeing each other regularly is key to keeping an LDR alive. It's hard. Schedules need to line up. Travel expenses need to fit within someone's budget. The logistics involved can be daunting. But seeing each other as much as possible will help keep the spark alive in an LDR.
Make plans to see each other. At the end of one visit, have the next one already planned. The anticipation can help to sustain a relationship until you actually do see each other.
That said, be ready to make a sudden visit. Sometimes, a person just needs their partner or they start feeling lonely in a long-distance relationship. If you're in an LDR and your partner admits to feeling this way, then it's time to pack a bag and see them to reconnect.
c. Endgame
Speaking of plans, the most important thing that can keep an LDR alive is an endgame. Being long-distance is a difficult journey for a couple, but they can keep going as long as there's a destination. There has to be a date wherein they're not going to be long-distance anymore.
So make a plan to be together at some point in the future. The goalposts may move because life is unpredictable, but as long as they're there and don't move too often, long-distance is survivable.
Taking concrete steps towards being together can also be helpful. Looking at apartments or houses where the two of you can live, filing the correct paperwork if it's an international relationship and immigration is involved, and talking about the new routines you'll develop when you're finally in the same place can give the people in an LDR the strength to keep going.
If you want to know how to turn a long-distance relationship into marriage, then setting the goal of marriage is your answer.
d. Physical Intimacy
In most romantic relationships, physical intimacy is important. But physical intimacy can be hard over long distances. Not that there aren't ways to be intimate with one another. Between text messaging, video calls, and a variety of toys that connect to the internet and can be controlled from anywhere, there are plenty of ways for couples to be intimate with one another over long distances.
Exploring new avenues of physical intimacy is what to do when a long-distance relationship gets boring, as it can reignite the spark.
Long-distance relationships can be incredibly difficult. Many of them fail. Many people can't or don't know how to push through the parts that suck. But it's not impossible to get through the bad parts. It's just that skipping to the good part isn't possible.
