Ghosting: Why It Happens and What to Do about It

Ghosting sucks, but there are reasons why it happens.

Imagine this: you go out on a date. It goes fantastic. You go home and you wait a day to text the person that you’d like to go out again. Then you wait. And you keep on waiting.

You check your inbox, and still no reply, but your receipts tell you that they read the message. You restart your phone, maybe something’s wrong with it. You text a friend to make sure your service is working.

After all this, there’s still no reply. What happened? Well, you’ve just experienced a phenomenon known as ghosting.

Ghosting is when you’re in a relationship with someone – the relationship can be romantic, platonic, familial, professional, or whatever – and they just cease all contact with you. There’s no warning whatsoever. Without warning, they just act like you don’t exist and ignore all your attempts to reach out.

Some ghosts may even block you from contacting them, but sometimes you can get ghosted but not blocked. Now, how do you know that you’ve been ghosted? Maybe they’re just really busy or they’re bad at texting. There could be any number of reasons why they haven’t responded.

How many days is ghosting? There isn’t any real number. For some, the general rule of thumb is three days. If it’s three days of radio silence, then it’s safe to assume that you’ve been ghosted.

Why does ghosting happen?

One reason why so many people ghost others is because of how easy it is. A person doesn’t have to do anything. Nada. In fact, not doing anything is an essential ingredient in ghosting someone.

Just because you find one ghost doesn’t mean you have to be scared of dating.

There’s no confrontation, no awkward conversation, just cessation. A ghost can just disappear, like an actual ghost would.

But the rationale behind the act itself can be a bit more complicated than its execution. Here’s a few reasons why someone would ghost someone else:

• They found someone else - Another reason as to why someone would ghost another person while dating is that they found someone else. Now, this isn’t so bad when it’s just the beginning stages of the relationship, when there’s only been a date or two.

  There was no commitment and no promises were made. They found someone whom they’d rather be with and they’ve decided that revisiting old flings isn’t what their relationship needs.

• They got a bad vibe - Sometimes, a person can ghost another person because they got a bad vibe from the person. Maybe that person acted in an untoward manner, maybe they said something that rang the alarms, or maybe they had a fundamental difference in their values.

  Whatever the case, they got a bad feeling about their date and decided that there wouldn’t be any more dates or any further communication because interacting with that person makes them concerned for their personal safety.

• They lost interest - A prevalent reason as to why someone would ghost is simply because they lost interest. The date itself could have gone fine, the other person could be attractive and nice enough, and everything else could have been great. That’s not the point.

  The point is that they’re simply not interested in pursuing the other person romantically. There doesn’t have to be anything wrong with them, there’s just no spark.

• They’re not ready for a relationship - Sometimes, people go on a date when they’re not ready to be in a relationship. Maybe they’re not over a previous relationship, maybe they’ve got other issues to sort out. In any case, they go out on a date that they’re not ready for.

  And maybe the date goes well and maybe it doesn’t. Whatever the case, they jumped in too quickly and had to jump out just as abruptly.

• They’re anxious or avoidant - People with anxious attachments tend to be insecure in their relationships. People who are avoidant are uncomfortable with the intimacy of romantic relationships.

  Either way, the prospect of becoming romantically attached to someone scares them. Maybe they don’t see how it could work out and they have to protect themselves. So what do they do? They follow the rules of ghosting and vanish like supernatural specters.

Getting ghosted is not fun, but there are things you can do about it.

Now, being ghosted isn’t fun. It’s frustrating, it’s infuriating, it’s downright disrespectful. But it’s also a reality that’s here to stay. You might even get used to it at some point. But to help you deal with this harsh reality, here’s how to respond to ghosting:

• Don’t chase - Ghosting and stalking can be closely related. Sometimes, the person who gets ghosted can start stalking the ghost. They may want to find closure, they want to find an opportunity to get a second chance.

  Don’t do this. If they wanted to be with you, then they wouldn’t have ghosted. Instead, find someone who’s going to value you enough that they’re not just going to disappear from your life with no explanation.

• Don’t put it on yourself - You might be tempted to blame yourself. You may think that you’ve done something wrong, something to cause the other person to ghost you. But it’s not on you.

  The choice that a person makes to ghost is theirs entirely. Unless you threatened them, then the choices that they made were all on them. So don’t blame yourself.

• Self-care - Getting ghosted can be a pretty disheartening experience, so if you get ghosted, then focus on things that bring you joy.

  Eat your favorite food. Do your favorite things. Hang out with your favorite people. Do things that will take your mind off of what someone else did to you and make it a point to care for yourself.

To ghost someone, under most circumstances, isn’t the most ethical thing to do. People’s lives aren’t toys that can be picked up and put down at leisure.

Despite this, plenty of people still go around ghosting not just their romantic partners, but also their friends and family. If you’re on the receiving end of it, it’s likely not your fault and there are plenty of things that you can do to deal with it.